Summary: Attorneys working in big law firms are much more likely to get divorced one or more times in their life than those in other professions. Find out why in this article.
Lots of big firm attorneys get divorced. In fact, I would say that the rate of divorce among attorneys from the largest law firms is likely much higher than the divorce rate for attorneys in general—and much higher than the public in general.
. Among large law firm attorneys, I believe that the divorce rate among litigators is higher than most other practice areas—but there are exceptions to that too.
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If you are interested in practicing law with a large law firm—or are currently practicing law with a large law firm—it is important to understand how practicing law is likely to affect your romantic prospects. The odds are you will have a difficult time holding any relationship together if you want to get married and stay married in a large law firm.
Do you think I am wrong? Do you want me to be wrong? Are there statistics out there that indicate lawyers do not get divorced more than people in other professions? Whatever statistics you review about the divorce rates of attorneys compared to other professions, they do not capture the nature of working in a large law firm and just how unique it is. If you think working as an attorney in the Social Security Office in Dublin, Ohio, or as a solo practitioner in a Livingston, Montana can compare to what it does to the mind, body, and spirit of an attorney working in a large law firm, then you do not understand. Even more brutal to relationships is working in large law firms in large cities. It is stressful being an attorney everywhere, of course, but large law firms have that special something which grinds attorneys down.
It does not matter if someone is a partner or associate—the large law firm (in the large city, especially) is equally brutal to each relationship. In fact, partners have even more difficult times remaining married than associates, counsel, and others. Many people stay in relationships under the insane belief that things will get better when someone “makes partner.” It is at that stage that the shit hits the fan, because there is even more stress, longer hours, and it is even harder to hold on to a job when someone becomes a partner than before they are a partner. That is when things often really go south in relationships, because everything just gets worse from there.
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Here are some of the reasons that large law firm attorneys get divorced so often. I could list more, but this pretty much summarizes the majority of them. Many of these apply to all attorneys practicing everywhere, but large law firms seem to bring them out more often:
The attorney who ends up in a large law firm finds him or herself in a bizarre game that is almost impossible to win. Having won at everything most of their lives—academics, in particular—these attorneys have no interest in failing once they arrive at the large law firm. The large law firm creates a “game” that is so “all-consuming” on so many levels that things like family and relationships become far less important to attorneys than being part of the “tribe” of the large law firm and succeeding there.
The typical attorney who works in a large law firm has a major “sunk” cost in being there. They often have worked very hard in college and law school—and these are often solitary activities. Once they get in the law firm, they have spent their days working hard and also manage various political and social minefields on a daily basis to get and stay ahead. These are all sunk opportunity costs and very important to the attorney.
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Large law firms pay a lot of money and offer a lot of prestige. They offer so much money and prestige that they can use that money and prestige to get whatever they want from the attorneys who want to work for them—and lots of them do. The best of these law firms will only allow the best of the best to work there. The typical attorney who goes to work for a major law firm is there because money and prestige are important to them. They have worked hard in college and law school, and are smart and highly motivated. They tend to care about what others think of them. They tend to be competitive and not want to fail—many have never failed at anything. This competition constantly motivates the attorneys to keep trying, and attorneys keep these other attorneys motivated by doing things like:
Even for the highest performers, the law firm acts as a parent, constantly berating the attorney and telling them they need to improve. Not wanting to disappoint the parent, the attorney is constantly coming back and doing what it can to please the parent—instead of realizing that this particular parent will never be pleased. The attorney is constantly trying harder and harder to do what is expected of them by the parent, and this relationship becomes so completely dysfunctional that the attorney will disregard their health, sanity, spouse, and children to please the law firm.
Because the large law firm attorney spends their entire workday involved in this drama, they hardly have the energy for a relationship when they are not working. They are more fixated on the game that the large law firm has created that they are playing it in their head even when they are not working.
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The attorney does not have a lot of energy to give to a mate or family after work. They do not have a lot of interest in issues that their mate may be interested in discussing after work. The attorney is not interested in giving someone emotional support—but they may need it. They are 100% dedicated to the game inside of a large law firm—and their clients—and this game never ends. If they have spare time, they would often prefer to be billing rather than watching television with a loved one. They certainly do not have a lot of interest in leaving work early to watch a child’s sports game.
None of this is good for an attorney trying to maintain a relationship. Their relationship is with the large law firm and not with their spouse. The law firm does everything it can to make sure that the attorney’s relationship with them takes precedence over their other relationships—and it is very good at this.
Because the typical attorney is so attracted to prestige, money and being accepted by the group, they will play this game their entire careers—or until the large law firm breaks up with them, or they realize they cannot play it anymore because it makes no sense.
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If this sounds like a lot of drama, I have not even mentioned the demands of clients yet. That is a whole separate discussion. While trying to navigate the minefield that is a law firm, an attorney is also trying to practice law and be an effective advocate for their clients. Clients have all sorts of demands, are paying a ton of money for the help of attorneys in major law firms, and expect perfection. An attorney needs to give clients precedence over everything else—and they do. Also, when clients have a lot of work to be done, this is an opportunity for the attorney to earn a lot of money for the firm, and attorneys are expected to bill as many hours as they can.
Whether it is closing a deal or an important litigation matter, the demands of clients are something that always takes precedence over everything. The strange thing about practicing law is also the fact that the more client issues there are, the better the attorney is doing. The busier the attorney is, the more money they are making and more successful they are. If the attorney is an associate, the busier they are, the more employment stability the attorney has. Attorneys want to be busy, because this is a sign they are succeeding.
Law firm clients and their needs are more important than vacations, anniversaries, birthdays, weekends and other traditional “down time” that the average spouse looks forward to. After some time, a spouse will wake up and realize that a long-term relationship and sense of normalcy are going to be evasive because clients always take precedence.
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If an attorney fails in a large law firm—especially the more senior they get—they will often have a difficult time getting another job. Their reputation could be harmed, and it is not easy to get back on their feet. Moreover, once an attorney starts succeeding in a large law firm they have massive sunk opportunity costs regarding time, political victories, finding supporters and more. Let’s not forget the time they spent working hard in law school, college, and learning whatever practice area they are in—and maybe getting clients. All of this took the attorney a massive amount
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